how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
