So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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