I wish I could teleport
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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