first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
