I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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