her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
