I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
