Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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