i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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