My nipple is on Facebook.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
