i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
