I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
