and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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