It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
