Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
