I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
