She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
