Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
