I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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