If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
