Don't you send me to vm
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
