No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
The best revenge is premature balding
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
