I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
