i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
