Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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