I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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