I haven't been this sober since birth.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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