the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
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