oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
