I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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