I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
