Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
