I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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