Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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