Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
