FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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