Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I cannot find my penis.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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