Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
