I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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