You smell like stripper and shame
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
