I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
