I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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