worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
