I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
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