I cannot find my penis.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
