The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
