so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
