The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
It's shark week go big or go home
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
