Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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