The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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