I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
