i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
