i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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