If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
