I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
