All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Are my feet made of real feet?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize