Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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