The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
