I swear she didn't look like that last week.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
