I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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