I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
