a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
