Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
FUCK WHALES
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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