Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
