Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
