Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
