So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
