I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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