...so i touched it.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
